Bimbo and the Beast
by Daughters of Isis
Summary: Is Ganondorf man enough to wear a pigtailed wig? As he is pondering this question, an unexpected female visitor arrives at his castle! Will cheesy romance ensue? GanonMalon, spoof fic.


**Disclaimer: **_The Legend of Zelda _is property of Nintendo and Shigeru Miyamoto, all rights reserved. The authors of this work are in no way affiliated with the afformentioned companies, or any legal proceedings concerning _The Legend of Zelda. _This story has been written purely out of enjoyment, without intenting to profit, offend, or steal ideas. Any similarities between this work and that of any other fan author is purely coincidental.

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** "Bimbo and the Beast"**

By Daughters of Isis

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Ganondorf was in an exceptionally good mood. He'd managed to torture a few disobedient minions and decorate his castle's halls with skulls, and best of all, his new wig had arrived in the mail.

"Ha! They won't be able to call me Baldy anymore!" he said to himself, slipping on the bright orange wig. It was long, and getting in his way, so he separated it into two pigtails. "Ah, much better."

He checked his reflection in a nearby mirror. "Simply stunning!" he told himself. "I look even more evil than before, and the ladies will love it!"

A skeleton entered the room and bowed low to the ground. "My Lord--" he started, but started quaking with laughter at his master's new look.

"Silence, fool!"

The skeleton, whose name was Bob, cleared his throat. "I was just--hahaha--going to--heehee--tell you that you have a visitor. She's been waiting almost an hour."

"How in Hyrule did she get inside my castle! I thought that lava moat would stop anyone from soliciting! She probably wants to sell me insurance or something!"

"Well," said Bob, "she claims that the air in her head allows her to float. Sounds rather silly to me, but I can't imagine any other way of her getting in."

"Eenteresting," Ganondorf muttered, steepling his fingers and almost looking intelligent for a minute. "Show her in."

"Immediately, your highness." Bob creaked off toward the entrance hall. He yelled over his shoulder, "Why don't you get a pink dress to go with your wig?" (Much to the Evil King's consternation.)

When Bob returned, it was with a vacantly smiling redhead.

"Yeeeeeeesssss?" Ganondorf said, trying to sound evil.

"Oh, hah there, mah name's Malon," chirped the girl. She held out her hand.

Confused, Ganon shook it.

Malon grinned, showing off her yellow crooked teeth. "Ah haive a proppersition fer you!"

When he caught a glimpse of her smile, the Evil King's heart leaped. Those teeth! They were so like his own, a gleaming shade of neon yellow! It was love at first sight. "Oh, and what might this be, you enchanting creature?"

"Would y'all lahke to buy some Lon-Lon Milk? It's a hunnerd-percent natchural--"

"I have a much better proposition for _you_, my sweet!" Ganondorf simpered. He went down on one knee. "Would you like to become my Evil Queen?"

"Uh... Ah'll haive ter think about that one, mister," she said, scratching her head. A shower of dandruff glided to the floor. Ganondorf's desire increased tenfold!

"Please! I'll give you anything!" he cried.

"Can Ah haive a bunny?"

Ganondorf raised one of his odd eyebrows. "Um... no, I don't have any. Anyway! Marry me!"

Malon stared at his shoes intently. He sent her an inquiring glance. "What are you looking at? Look, I know I have big feet, but--"

"Yer boots are BROWN!" she exclaimed, drooling.

"Erm, yes, they are."

Malon's eyes were as big as golden rupees. "Whoooaaaaa..."

"You still haven't answered my proposal!"

"Huh?"

"You know... the one about _marrying me_!" Ganondorf was beginning to get impatient. "I'm not going to waste my skills of seduction on just anyone, you know! So, yes or no?"

The suspense was building. Malon opened her mouth to speak and said...

"Are ya shure ya don wan' some milk?

Ganondorf swore, practically crazy with desire, which wasn't too far a stretch since he was almost there anyway. "If I buy some milk, will you_ please _be my bride?

Malon only comprehended as far as "buy some milk" when she made her decision. "Okie dokie! You got it, pahdner!" She thrust out her hand and smiled again, her teeth radiating like the murky sun hanging over the castle.

Ganondorf didn't want to waste any time with preparations before they got married, but Malon (somehow) insisted they wait at least a week so she could gather her guests. It was shocking to find that she was capable of making a coherent request, so Ganondorf granted it. Every time she drifted over the lava pit like a dull balloon, Ganondorf waited by his windows to watch for her return, which was pretty hard because stained glass isn't very transparent.

On the third day after the proposal, Malon brought her mother's wedding dress to Bob the Stalfos to be tailored.

"Here yah go!" she said in her inane, cheery demeanor.

Bob held the dress at arm's length. "What's this?

"Dat's mah mama's weddin' dress," Malon announced proudly.

Bob unfolded it, wincing at its moldy, moth-eaten touch.

"It'sa made from Ôer vairy own kitchen dishrags," Malon continued. "And some o' the rags she used ta use when she was a-birthin' cows.

Bob dropped the dress.

Malon picked it up and buried her nose in the heavy folds, breathing deeply. "Don it smell so purdy? It ain't ne'er been washed. It still smells like it dun did at Ôer weddin' accordin' to mah pa.

Ganondorf, who just so happened to be passing by on his way to a random room he hadn't looked at for a while, smelled the delicate odor of aged cow feces, and made a beeline for Malon.

"My beautiful desert flower!" he proclaimed as he saw her, which would have been romantic directed at anyone else and coming from someone other than a seven foot, green-skinned Gerudo with an orange braided wig. Malon hardly noticed.

Ganondorf held the dress out in front of him and shook it out. A few suffering moths gasped for air as they were thankfully thrown from its folds. "What an exquisite design! We must have it tailored to fit your perfect form! To the armory!

A bald Moblin with bottle glass specs who was in charge of guarding the armory couldn't seem to figure out how to mend the dress without sewing himself into it. So in the end, Malon went lumpy, the leftover fabric that had swathed her massive mother making awkward bulges. It drove Ganondorf wild.

The day of the wedding finally arrived. It was held on the barren burned area on the ground in front of the castle across the lava moat that would have been the lawn if there was any grass. This was so that Malon's guests--her father Talon, his two new wives, their children, some cousins, and a few other relatives from who even wants to know where--could attend without walking into the moat. Some Stalfos had to make fences anyway just in case no one wandered too far into danger.

Except for Malon, the rest of the castle staff and Ganondorf had to be flung across the moat to the other side by some old catapults, since Ganondorf believed an impermeable fortress should have no bridge whatsoever. Needless to say Ganondorf didn't get out often. For the most part, the catapults worked well. The only casualties were some random Moblins who were launched without enough velocity to get over.

The wedding went well. The only sticky spots were when Talon got confused with the cue cards he was holding up for his daughter and mixed them up. And then Link arrived.

His appearance in the middle of the aisle was so sudden it scared Ganondorf's minions out of their senses and they froze, trembling together in fear of our favorite green hero.

"All right, Ganondorf, get your hands off the princess!" shouted Link.

Ganondorf, who was standing about a foot away from Malon with his hands at his sides, turned around. "Argh! Once again, my arch enemy, the Hero of Time, has foiled my plans for happiness!

Malon lifted her veil, which was actually some iron mail draped over her head to keep her from floating away during the ceremony, spotted Link and waved to him. "Howdy, Link!

"Eeeyahh!" Link jumped back. "You're not the princess!

"I told you so!" said an annoying ball of light that was flickering in front of him.

"Oh crap, I just remembered that Zelda's actually Sheik," said Link. He looked around. "How'd I get here?

Ganondorf shrugged.

"Oh, well, okay. Have a nice, err, wedding.

No one ever figured out that it was Navi who kept stealing Link's memory pills from his bathroom cabinet.

In the end, Ganondorf and Malon lived happily ever after, except for the times when they had to get a translator for Malon's thick country accent. And then for the times when Link tried to seal Ganon away in the Dark Realm, and they had to wait a few months to be together again. And then when Malon decided to "serenade" her husband. And then also when Zelda thwarted Ganondorf's schemes to obtain the whole Triforce, which Malon helped design. Actually, they just lived ever after. There was little "happily" involved.

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**THE END.**

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End file.
